Why I'm not superwoman

Here is something that I’ve learned about myself – I am NOT superwoman.  I cannot “bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man” (remember that commercial? )…  I am human, and I cannot do it all.  I WISH I could do it all.  I THOUGHT (when I was younger and more naïve) that I could do it all.  But, the reality is, I can’t.

So, I’m writing this as a public service announcement to all of the younger women out there who are trying to nurture a career and a husband and a family and feel like a failure because they can’t seem to figure out how to manage three full-time jobs and still maintain their sanity.

When I got married, I fully expected to give up my career and stay home with my children when they came along.  However, life didn’t unfold quite that way.  Instead, I found myself with a demanding full-time job, a wonderful husband and two beautiful children who needed to be loved and fed and clothed, a big, beautiful house that needed to be cleaned and cared for – you get the idea.  And, I expected myself to be the perfect employee / mom / wife.  I set the bar high.

I expected to be able to keep my house like Martha Stewart, cook (every night, from scratch) like Betty Crocker, manage my family like June Cleaver, and still be a lovely, smiling wife like Carol Brady.  Needless to say, the toys scattered around the house and the clutter on the counter and the thin layer of dust that just keeps coming back would not make Martha proud.  I sometimes order takeout or (gasp) feed my family Ramen noodles and hot dogs (sorry Betty!)  I occasionally yell at my children (June would frown).  And, I often fall asleep at 10:00pm when my husband wants me to snuggle up and watch a sci-fi movie with him (sorry Carol!)  And, if that wasn’t enough, from 9:00 – 5:00 I was going to be the most dedicated, focused employee at the company.  Reality:  While I try to give 100% when I’m at work, the truth is that I’m often tired or distracted, and I lose focus on what I’m trying to accomplish.

So, what’s the point? 

I’ve learned that it’s okay not to be superwoman.  I’ve learned that I am pretty good at multitasking (which comes in handy when you’re trying to run a conference call while sitting in carpool line without letting the teachers see that you’re on the phone).  I’ve learned that sometimes, certain things have to take a backseat when other things need to be a priority, and that’s ok.  I’ve learned that a dirty house isn’t necessarily a sign of laziness.  Instead, it’s the result of putting people before Mr. Clean (again, sorry Martha!)  I’ve learned that my family loves me anyway – even when I’m grumpy.  And, I’ve learned that God looks on the heart, and He knows my every thought (even the bad ones), and He sees me when I cry because I can’t seem to live up to the standards that I’ve set for myself – and He reaches down with His arms of love and carries me when I can’t go another step on my own.  And, I’m SO okay with that.

So, to all of you dear sisters out there who refuse to read Proverbs 31 because you just can’t bear the thought of comparing yourself to “her” – please hear me when I say that your worth is not based on the cleanliness of your house or the behavior of your children or the success of your career.  The basis for  your worth is found in this:

“For you (God) created my inmost being;  you (God) knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you (God) because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  Your works (God) are wonderful (including me), I know that full well.” (Psalm139:13-14)

And, that is all you really need to know.

When you're faced with "why?"

I hate to watch the evening news.  If I didn’t want to see the local weather forecast, I would probably never turn it on.  Why, you might ask?  Because of all the bad news.  Every time I turn on the tv, it seems like there is a report about someone being hurt or killed.  There is news of economic upheaval that is leaving people poor and hungry and homeless.  There is news of war and natural disaster.  None of it is good.  It leaves me feeling mad, sad, and helpless.   And, if I’m not careful, it leaves me asking, “Why?”

The shooting that just took place in Colorado is a prime example.  Why would someone do that?  Why would they shoot innocent people who were just trying to enjoy a fun evening out at the movies? 

Or, what about this:  The news last week included a story about a college sophomore who was killed in a climbing accident at Hanging Rock State Park.  I work with this young man’s father (call him J).  I know how fiercely J loved his son.  I happened to be talking with him a few months ago at the moment that he received a text saying that his son had gotten a scholarship to UNC, and I saw the pride beaming on his face.  To say that J is devastated doesn’t even begin to describe it.  This video gives you a glimpse of the vibrant life that was ended much too soon.  My heart is breaking for J and his family.

Again, I’m tempted to ask why.  Why did someone so young and with so much potential have to die a tragic death?  Why did it happen?  How are we supposed to respond in the face of so much pain and heartache?

And, then comes the really tough question:  Does all of this change my belief in a good and loving and sovereign God?  And, just as quickly, the answer comes:  No!  It can’t.  I have experienced the goodness of the Lord, and I believe the scriptures that tell me that He never changes.  But, I also know that there are forces of evil at work in our world. 

And, I firmly believe that there are some things that we just can’t understand this side of heaven.  They are the mysteries of life, if you will, that are beyond our human ability to comprehend.  Trying to understand them with our finite minds will only serve to frustrate us and will breed more confusion instead of bringing the clarity that we desire.  Sometimes, it’s better to just accept the fact that we’ll never really know the reason – to make the decision to trust and move on rather than to obsess over finding the answer.  My worship pastor stated it so eloquently in his blog when he said, “The mystery might protect us.”

So, in the absence of an explanation – without a definitive answer to the question “why do bad things happen to good people” – how do we respond when tragedy strikes?  What do we say?  What do we do?

As I’ve pondered those questions over the past several days, I believe that I found an answer:  “Rejoice with those who rejoice; and mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15)  This is what Jesus did.  When He learned that His friend Lazarus had died, Jesus wept (John 11).  He shared in the grief that Mary and Martha were experiencing.

It is not our responsibility to provide an answer or even to offer advice.  Instead, we are to love as Jesus loved.  We are to come alongside and share in the grief – to weep and to hug and to laugh and to remember – to share in the suffering.  And, we are also to offer hope – hope in the One who holds all of our tomorrows – hope in the One who will carry us through the dark times and bring us out stronger on the other side.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all of our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” – 2 Corinithians 1:3-4

Floating or Flailing?

Here is a fact that probably won’t come as a surprise to most of you:  Sometimes I don’t have all of the answers.  There was a point in time when that caused me a lot of anxiety.  But, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that it’s ok not to have all of the answers.  In fact, it’s ok if sometimes I have more questions than answers.  There are some things that we just don’t know or understand, and we have to learn to keep on keeping on even in the shadow of that uncertainty.

The challenge is that uncertainty often breeds fear and doubt which can cause us to respond in ways that are less than desirable.  We can become defensive and protective – trying frantically to fix things and searching desperately to find that definitive answer.

What I’m learning right now is that living with uncertainty is the training ground that is necessary for faith and trust to become firmly established in our lives.  Just as our physical bodies only grow stronger if we exercise them, faith and trust will only grow stronger if we exercise them as well.

Peter put it like this:  “So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” – I Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)

I’ve always thought of the trials mentioned here as being terrible persecution or major life crises.  But, I’m coming to understand that the everyday uncertainties of life – the discouragement that comes, the dreams that seem just out of reach, the plans that aren’t quite coming together the way that you had expected, the relationship struggles that just aren’t getting better – these are the trials of life, the uncertainties of our daily existence, that give us the opportunity to exercise our faith and to choose to trust and act on what we believe and not just on what we see.  As much as we would like to escape these trials, we need them in order to grow stronger. 

What I’m learning right now is that it is only as we exercise our faith and start to trust that we can truly begin to learn to rest.  The image that I see is of a rough and churning ocean with no land in sight.  When faced with that situation, our immediate response is to try to escape.  We flail about and wear ourselves out, and if we’re not careful, we’ll drown without ever reaching the shore.  Faith recognizes and believes that it is possible to float and that there are currents that will eventually carry us back to land.  Trust chooses to take action on that faith – to stop flailing and to stretch out on the water and just float.  At that point, you can finally rest – relaxing on the water and watching in hopeful expectation as you wait to see the land appear over the horizon.

I wish that I could say that I am just floating through my days right now, but more often than not, I look around at the raging ocean and start to flail.  However, little by little, I’m learning to trust.  I’m exercising my faith, and those “faith muscles” are growing stronger.  I’m having more days filled with rest and fewer days that leave me wrung out and exhausted after fighting with the trials that just seem to keep coming. 

I’m learning to confidently put my faith in God – to trust him with all of my uncertainty and all of my questions – because “He who promised is faithful” (Hebrews 10:23) – because He has all of the answers even when I don’t.

#firstworldproblem

I drive an older, high-mileage car.  In spite of the fact that I won’t win any “cool points” for having a fancy ride, there are a lot of advantages to driving this car – the main one being that I don’t have a car payment.  However, driving an older car has its downside as well.  Right now, as we are easing into the warm humid days of summer in NC, I am frustrated by the fact that the air conditioner in my car is only working intermittently.  It works great on cool, dry days.  But, let the temperature go above 75 and the humidity start to climb, and you can count on the fact that the air conditioner will stop working about 5 minutes after you turn it on.  We’ve had it in the shop multiple times, but they can’t seem to find the problem.

So, as I was driving to work one day this week and the warm, humid air started to pour out of the vents in my car, I was complaining in my head and thought, “If I post my frustration with this problem on facebook, I’ll have to tag it with #firstworldproblem.”   I mean, there are people all over the world who would be thankful just to have a car – with or without air conditioning.  There are people who walk to work every day in the blazing heat and the pouring rain.  Some of those people don’t even have shoes.  And, here I am, complaining because the a/c in my car isn’t working right…

But, here’s the challenge that comes from labeling things as a #firstworldproblem.  Most of the time, that kind of thinking leads to guilt.  We start to compare ourselves to the rest of the world and begin to feel guilty when we think about what we have and what they don’t have.  And, I’m not sure that’s the right response.  Feeling guilty for what I have isn’t going to help solve the problems of the world around me.

So, as I was rolling down the road in my hot, steamy car, I started thinking – If guilt is not the right response, what should our response be?  Because, poverty and sickness and war and human trafficking are real problems, and they require a real response.  As a Christian, I believe that I am required to do more than just recognize that those problems exist.  But, instead of responding with guilt – which is an inward focused emotion – I believe that the right response is compassion, which is an outward focused emotion.

Guilt says, “Wow – look at what I have.  People are going to think that I’m terrible because I have so much when others have so little.  Maybe I should hide what I have.  Maybe I am a terrible person…”  Guilt may ultimately lead to action, but the action is born out of an inward need to redeem yourself rather than an outward desire to serve others.

Compassion says, “Look at those people who are hurting and dying.  My heart aches for them.  I have so much.  How can I use what I have to meet their needs?  How can I show love to the least of these?”  Compassion leads to action that is born out of an outward concern for the world around you.

If you have been blessed with wealth, you don’t need to feel guilty.  You need to recognize the true source of your wealth.  You need to understand that every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights (James 1:16-17), and He has given this wealth to you for a reason.  He expects you to be a good steward of His resources.  When faced with others in need, compassion should compel you to ask how you can use your resources to help meet the need.   And, if your bank account is looking a little low, that doesn’t excuse you from responding with compassion as well.  You can pray.  You can partner with others to combine your resources for a bigger impact.  Get creative!  We all have a part to play. 

So, when you recognize that you have a #firstworldproblem – stop and take a moment to be thankful for what you do have.  I am truly thankful for “Bessy” – my old Subaru – even without air conditioning.  But, don’t fall into the trap of feeling guilty.  Instead, look at the world around you through eyes of compassion and ask what you can do to help…

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Blessed!

Have you ever used a word in casual conversation without really thinking about its meaning?  And, has that same word ever come back to “smack you in the face” later on when you were faced with it in a different context and forced to consider its real meaning?  That happens to me sometimes.  In fact, it just happened to me this past weekend.

Consider the word “blessed.”  How many times have you heard someone on an awards show or at a ball game or in a contest say something like, “I’m just so blessed to be here.”  Or, how often have you said to someone “be blessed” as you were saying goodbye? 

That word – blessed – is thrown around a lot without really thinking about its true meaning. Many times, it’s used to convey a general sense of well-being. In fact, it’s often used as a Christian substitute for the word “lucky.”  If someone wins the lottery, you might say to them, “Wow!  You’re so blessed!” when what you’re really thinking is “You are one lucky dog!”  You know it’s the truth!

This past Sunday, our pastor preached from Matthew 5.  There’s so much good stuff in that passage of scripture, but the thing that has stuck with me – the truth that I just can’t get away from – is the definition that he gave for the word “blessed.”  Blessed means “to be utterly and completely approved of by God.”  Full stop.  That concept just blows me away…

Think about that in the context of Matthew 5:3-10:

The poor in spirit are utterly and completely approved of by God - theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Those who mourn are utterly and completely approved of by God - they will be comforted.
The meek are utterly and completely approved of by God - they will inherit the earth.
Those who hunger and thirst for righteousness are utterly and completely approved of by God - they will be filled.
The merciful are utterly and completely approved of by God – they will be shown mercy.
The pure in heart are utterly and completely approved of by God – they will see Him face to face.
The peacemakers are utterly and completely approved of by God – they will be called sons of God.
Those who are persecuted because of righteousness are utterly and completely approved of by God - theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Understanding what it means to be blessed – truly blessed – to be utterly and completely approved of by God - is powerful.  This kind of blessing is an outward sign of the perfect, unconditional love of God – the kind of love that casts out fear – the kind of love that produces perfect peace – the kind of love that brings comfort and offers contentment.

Now that I understand what it means to be blessed, I’m not going to be so casual in my use of the word.  I want to use it intentionally so that its true meaning can be understood and not watered down.  I want to use it in such a way that the people around me who are crying out in desperation – longing for love and acceptance and forgiveness – will understand that they too can be blessed…

Learned, earned, or born with it?

Here’s a question that’s been on my mind a lot recently.  Is leadership something you learn – or something you earn – or are some people just born with it?  I imagine that it’s probably a combination of all three, but it’s interesting to watch as people are faced with a leadership opportunity.  Some people run from it.  Some people face it head on with a little bit of fear and a good dose of determination.  And, some people go after it aggressively, intent on grabbing the opportunity no matter what the cost.

As someone who has been in a leadership role for a while, I’m now having to take that to a new level as I have been tasked with leading a new leader…  I’m finding that it’s a challenge to mentor a leader who has a leadership style that is vastly different from my own.  And, it’s made me take a hard look at myself as a leader and has caused me to think about what I really value in a leader.

There are a lot of different leadership models out there, but the one that I try to follow is the example of the servant-leader that was illustrated so beautifully in the life of Jesus.  I still have a long way to go, but these are the leadership qualities that I try to emulate:

·         Compassion – This quality was illustrated over and over again in Jesus’ life and ministry.  He would look on His followers with compassion and that would motivate Him to care for them or provide for them or teach them.  As a leader, it is so important to value those whom you have been entrusted to lead.  They are important.  They are the reason that you have been placed in a position of authority.  A great leader carefully shepherds his followers and treats them with the respect that he also desires to receive from them.

·         Integrity – A leader is only as good as his word.  It’s impossible to succeed as a leader without the trust of your followers.  Trust is born out of integrity.  Jesus was the embodiment of integrity.   Isaiah 53:9 says that there was “no deceit in His mouth.”  He spoke the truth.  Period.  As leaders, we should, too.

·         No compromise – A leader must remain true to his core values at all costs.  He may be required to cooperate with others to find a creative solution to a problem, but cooperation and “finding the middle ground” cannot lead to moral compromise.  Taking the “narrow road” may not make you the most popular leader, but it does insure that you’ll be able to sleep at night – and in most cases, people respect a leader who refuses to compromise even when they don’t agree with his choices.  Jesus was the perfect example of a leader who refused to compromise even when the cost of standing firm was ultimately his very life.  Don’t let fear force you to compromise.

·         Clear direction – Jesus provided clear direction to His followers.  They knew what was required of them.  When Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?,” He clearly replied, “I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.”  (John 14:5-7) He laid the plan out before them so that they could understand what was required of them.  Proverbs 29:18 says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”  As a leader, you have to clearly communicate the vision so that your followers can run with it. 

·         Lead by example – A leader cannot expect his followers to go where he is not willing to go himself.  Modeling the behavior that you expect from your followers is one of the most effective ways to teach them, and it will ultimately earn you their respect, devotion, and loyalty as well.  The most beautiful example of Jesus as a servant-leader is given in John 13 when He washes His disciples’ feet.  After He is done, He says, “Do you understand what I was doing?  You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am.  And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet.  I have given you an example to follow.  Do as I have done to you.” – John13:12-15.  Jesus eventually laid down his life for these men, but many of them later gave their lives in service to Him as well.  They had seen His life and His example, and they were willing to follow no matter the cost.

Thinking back to my original question, I never desired a position of leadership – I was placed into it.  I’ve had to learn to be a leader as I’ve faced new challenges and opportunities every day.  As leaders, we will have seasons of success and seasons of failure, but through it all, if we can anchor ourselves to a few guiding principles, we can learn to lead with a steady hand. 

I’ve chosen to anchor myself to the principles outlined above.  What are the leadership principles that help to guide you?

Taxi Cab Wisdom

Taking a ride in a taxi is always an interesting experience. I mean, think about it… You get in a car with a complete stranger, trusting that he will take you safely to your destination. But, if you’re honest about it, there’s always the slightest bit of fear that he doesn’t really know where he’s going or that he’ll take the loooonnnnggg way – or, worse yet, that he’s a deranged psycho who now has you as his captive… What? You know that you’ve had the same thoughts at some point.

And, once you get past that fear, there’s that awkward moment when you wonder whether you should strike up a conversation or just leave him alone and let him drive. I’ll have to admit that I’m not one to readily engage in small talk with a stranger, but when the taxi driver starts the conversation, I’ll usually join in since after all, we’re stuck in a car together for the next half hour or so.

Today was one of those days when I got a really chatty cab driver. He talked non-stop from the time I got into his cab until the time that I got out at the airport. And, as is often the case, he left me with a tidbit of wisdom that has stayed with me throughout the day. When this particular cabby found out that I was heading back to Raleigh, he proceeded to tell me this crazy story about a trip that he made to Raleigh. It went something like this:

A couple of years ago, a young man called this cabby about 9:00pm one evening and asked if he could take him to Raleigh (from Orlando!). Thinking that the young man must be confused, he asked him if he realized that Raleigh is in NC. The young man did and insisted that he had to have a cab to take him and his friend to Raleigh the next day. After a bit more negotiating, the cabby agreed to pick up the young man and his friend at the hotel as long as he could produce payment before they started the trip. However, in the back of his mind, the cabby had decided that he would only take them if they had a good reason why they needed a cab.

At this point, I’m thinking the worst of the young man – thinking that he was probably intoxicated or in trouble or some such thing.

Well, when the cabby arrived the next morning, he found out that the two young men were 18 and 20 years old, and the 18 year old had a lung that had collapsed. The doctor wanted to put him in the hospital for several days, but he wanted to go home for medical treatment. The doctor said that he could go home if he drove very slowly and very carefully, but he could not, under any circumstances, get on an airplane because the pressurization would kill him due to the collapsed lung. The boy’s parents were not able to come get him for some reason; the boys were too young to rent a car; and, a bus wouldn’t provide them with the controlled environment that was needed. Their only option was to take a cab. The cabby agreed that this was a good reason, so he took them all the way to Raleigh. Because he had to drive slowly and carefully and stop often, it took 19 hours. Incredible!

After relating this story to me, the cabby looked over his shoulder and said, “You just never know what someone might be going through.” And, I thought, “Yes, you’re right. I was quick to judge the young man. How often have I judged someone who may have been going through some really rough waters? How often have my words cut through someone else’s heart because I spoke without taking the time to find out what that person was going through?”

Thank you, Mr. Cabby, for a safe ride to the airport, but thank you even more for sharing a bit of wisdom along the way.