Who am I? It’s a
fundamental question that we all ask ourselves at some point. Who am I – really? What does it mean to be me? It’s a question that needs to be answered as
we are growing up and maturing and trying to discover our purpose and our
passion. We need to understand what
makes us unique. We need to understand
our gifts and talents and all the things that have prepared us to do the thing
that we were created to do.
So, it’s no surprise that we begin to define ourselves by
those characteristics that make us unique.
When asked who we are, we say things like: “I am a woman. I am Caucasian. I am a Christian. I am an introverted math nerd. I am a teacher. I am a musician. I am a good cook. I am a mom.
I am a wife.” You get the
picture.
But here’s the problem.
When we begin to find our identity – our self worth – our value as a
person – in those characteristics that we use to define ourselves, we can begin
to lose sight of the things that bind us together with everyone else on the
planet. When we identify more strongly
with the things that make us different than everyone else – our gender, our
race, our religion, our sexual orientation, our political preference – than with
the things that make us the same, we understandably begin to take it very
personally when we see or hear things that question or demean or criticize or
disagree with these characteristics.
Don’t get me wrong – I am in no way saying it’s right or ok
for anyone to hurt you or put you down or treat you as “less than” because of
the things that make you uniquely you.
In fact, I abhor the hateful rhetoric that seems to plague our country
these days. But, what I AM saying is
that, while you can’t control the rhetoric, you CAN control how you react to
it.
When your identity is bound up in your gender or race or
sexual orientation, it’s not a surprise that you feel every hateful word and
action as if it’s a personal attack on WHO YOU ARE. If the thing that I identify with most
strongly is being a woman, then I feel every demeaning comment made about women
on social media as if it were directed at me. I feel like I have personally
been overlooked or undervalued when I see another woman being passed over for a
promotion. I feel these things even if
they haven’t been part of my experience.
I feel these things a hundred times over if they have.
As long as we live in a fallen world, we can’t change the
fact that there are hateful people in the world who will do horrible hateful
things and spew horrible hateful words every time they get the chance. Unfortunately, “evil” is just as much of a
reality as “good.” But, the more that I’ve
thought about this, the more that I believe that the way to neutralize the rhetoric
is to realize where our true identity lies.
If we know that our true identity is NOT found in our gender or our race
or our political preference, then when the hateful words come, we don’t feel it
as a personal attack on who we are.
For example – Suppose that you are driving down the road and
see a car run a red light and hit another car.
You will be shocked – upset – concerned.
You might call the police or even stop to help. But, your reaction will be calm and your
focus will be on the person who was hit by the car. Now, suppose that you are the person in the
intersection, and a car runs a red light and hits your car. Not only will you be shocked and upset – you will
probably be angry and irritated and worried.
Once you find out that you are ok, your attention will turn to making
sure that the person who hit you pays for the damages and that your car gets
fixed. You are on the defensive and you
are focused on protecting you.
While it may be a bit of an oversimplification, the same
idea applies when we see someone say something offensive about a woman or a
person of color or a homosexual person.
If your identity is bound up in that aspect of your being, then you take
those comments personally. You become
angry and upset and defensive. Something
rises up in you that wants to lash out at that person and everyone “like them.”
But, if your identity is found in
something bigger – something more universal – then your reaction can be
different because it comes from a different place. You feel the sting of those words. You have compassion for the one who is being
mistreated. You desire to see justice
and do everything you can to defend that person who was wronged. But your reaction comes from a different
place. It comes from a place of proactively
reaching out to help and serve others rather than defensively trying to protect
yourself.
So, back to the age old question – Who am I? Who am I, really? Where does my worth come from? For me, the answer is Jesus. I know He loves me – He loves me so much that
He gave His life for me. I am valuable
because He created me. Before I was even
born, He had a plan and a purpose for me.
And, nothing that anyone says or does can change that. I am confident in my identity – even when the
good ole boys network passes me by for the promotion year after year – even when
the man on the street catcalls when I walk by – even when I see people in
leadership demean and ridicule women. Does
it bother me when I see those things? Yes. Do I want to help and defend women? Yes.
Do I take it personally and feel like I am “less than” because of those
things? No. Do I become angry and
defensive? No. Do I lash out with hateful
words of my own? No – because at my
core, I know who I am. And, who I am is
defined by love, not hate. Who I am is
defined by compassion, not revenge. Who
I am is more concerned with serving others than defending myself or being “right.”
And, even if your worldview is different than
mine, you can still lead with love – You can still look for the things that
make all of us the same rather than focusing so much on the things that make us
different. It doesn’t mean that we can’t
celebrate our diversity – We should!
But, if we can shift our perspective even a few degrees so that our focus
is on loving and serving others rather than protecting and defending ourselves,
I believe that the world would be a better place…
