Pleasing People

Hello. My name is Tonya, and I’m a people-pleaser. I admit it. And, admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I really wish it wasn’t true, but it is. I’ve come a long way, and pleasing people is no longer a driving force for my well-being as it once was. But, every now and then, it rises up and I realize that it’s time to re-focus and get my thinking straight again.

On the surface, I don’t really think that the desire to please people is such a bad thing. In fact, it can motivate a lot of positive behavior. However, when you start to define your self-worth based on how other people perceive you, that’s when things start to get out of balance. For me, I am sometimes overcome with guilt and self-condemnation when I realize that someone important to me is disappointed with something I’ve said or done. I can beat myself up for days at the smallest sign of disapproval. My mind becomes overwhelmed with all of the “what if’s” and “why’s” that you can imagine. And, guess what – all of that second guessing takes a lot of energy – both emotional and spiritual – and it can drain the life right out of you.

So, how can you keep things in perspective? For me, I have to stop and remind myself that I have worth as an individual – no matter what others think of me. If you don’t believe that, check out what Ephesians 1:3-6 (The Message) has to say: “How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.”

I also have to remember what I’m responsible for. Micah 6:8 says: “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with our God.” Notice that “make everyone around you happy” is not part of that list! If you’re doing what this verse says, then you can sleep well at night knowing that you have pleased the only one whose opinion matters – Your Heavenly Father. If that doesn’t please everyone else, then really, that’s their problem, not yours. You are NOT responsible for their happiness. You ARE responsible for living out your life in a way that is pleasing to God.

So, when I find myself falling off the wagon (so to speak), I stop and center myself on the truth of God’s Word. And, I use the truth that I find there to help me neutralize all the “stinking thinking” that drags me down. Because, when it comes right down to it, I’m a child of a King, and it doesn’t get much better than that!

Worship Wednesday

My last blog post referenced Isaiah 53:5. This song sets that scripture to music. It's one of my favorites: By His Wounds (from the Glory Revealed project).

Pierced!

I had one of those crazy, unexpected parenting moments this week. I took my daughter to get her ears pierced. That part wasn’t unexpected. In fact, it took all of my persuasive powers to convince my hubby to let us do it. What was unexpected was my reaction to the whole thing.

I was excited for her to finally be getting “grown up” earrings, and I remembered my own excitement at getting my ears pierced when I was about her age. But, when we got in the room and the lady took the earring “gun” and started to actually clip the earring through my daughter’s ear, all I could think was “How could you do this to my child – You’re going to PIERCE her! It’s going to hurt! It’s going to put a permanent hole in her body! I can’t stand here and watch you do this to my baby!” Of course, I didn’t say any of that – I just stood there calmly and took pictures of the whole thing. But, I keep having flashbacks to that moment – and that word – PIERCED.

That word – pierced – brings so many things to mind, but at the forefront of those thoughts is this scripture:

Isaiah 53:5: “But He was PIERCED for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.”

I think of this scripture, and then I think of Mary. If I was “freaked out” over watching someone pierce my daughter’s ears, imagine how Mary must have felt watching the soldiers pierce her son, Jesus. In my case, I knew what the end result would be, and I knew that it would be good. In her case, I’m not so sure she fully understood. She must have wanted to grab that spear out the hand of the soldier and scream – “NO! Not my son! There must be another way!” But, there wasn’t another way. A sacrifice had to be made – once and for all. A pure and perfect sacrifice that was capable of washing away all the sins and imperfections of the entire human race.

Imagine standing there and watching as Jesus was pierced – and think for a moment about the fact that He was doing this for you. He knew the end result, and He knew that it would be good. But, the pain He felt that day was real.

Jesus didn’t deserve the punishment He received – we did. But, because of His love for us, He was willing to take that punishment so that we wouldn’t have to experience it. He offers this gift of forgiveness and restoration to each of us, but it’s up to us to receive it. He won’t force it on us. But, how can we refuse a gift that was bought with such a price?

John 3:16: “For God so loved the WORLD (that’s you and me) that he gave His one and only Son, that WHOEVER (that’s you and me) believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Red Lights and Rebellion

Don’t you just hate red lights? I do. They slow me down. I think I’ve felt this way since I was little. My mom tells me that when I was a toddler, I would stand on the seat beside her (since there were no car seats or seat belt laws back then), and when the light would turn green, I would say “Green! Green! Go cat, go!” I realized recently that there’s a lesson to be learned here.

I have a daughter who just turned 10. She is very proud of her double-digit age and reminds me regularly that she is a pre-teen. Nobody warns you when you’re holding your sweet baby daughter in your arms that aliens will come on the night on her 10th birthday and replace that precious bundle of joy with a completely unpredictable young lady.

She has always been a child who, in her enthusiasm for life, is quick to act and slow to think about the consequences. She so wants to be independent and grown up. But, recently, her quest for independence has started to look suspiciously like rebellion. She told me that rebellious people are independent, but I countered with the fact that independent people don’t have to be rebellious. In my mind: Independence = Good. Rebellion = Bad.

So what does all of this have to do with stoplights?

Stoplights were put there for a reason. They were not put there to spoil all of our fun while we’re out on the roads. They were put there to protect us and to provide order. Without stoplights, there would be chaos on the roads. If you’ve ever driven in a third world country with no traffic laws, you know what I mean! And, every time you encounter a stoplight, you have a choice. You can obey its authority, or you can rebel against its authority. And, if you choose to rebel against its authority, there are consequences. And, those consequences can be very bad. I think that we’ve all seen pictures of accidents that were caused by someone running a red light, and it’s not pretty.

I took some time to explain to this to my daughter a couple of weeks ago. We talked about independence and rebellion. We talked about what the Bible has to say about rebellion (1 Samuel 15:23). And, we talked about the fact that parental authority is not there to spoil her fun. It’s there to protect her. It’s a covering for her. In fact, only by living under that authority will she find the freedom that she needs to begin to walk in that independence she desires. (Ephesians 6:2, Exodus 20:12)

And, so I pray. I pray that her heart will be soft and willing to listen. I pray that we will exercise that parental authority with wisdom. I pray that I won’t be afraid to let her have that independence that she needs, wants, and deserves. And, I pray that I will live in obedience to the authority of my heavenly Father so that I can walk in freedom as well.

Worship Wednesday

When I was thinking about songs for this week's Worship Wednesday post, there wasn't a particular song that jumped out at me because I've spent the week listening to the kids' Christmas program practice CD - over and over and over... But, the key idea from the Christmas program is leaving a legacy of love - which made me think of the song Testify to Love.

This song has a great message, but it's also really special to me because it's the song that we had played at our wedding as we were leaving the reception hall. We chose it because we wanted to emphasize the idea that we desire our lives - both independently and as a couple (and now as a family) - to testify of the love and goodness of God.

John 15:9 - 13 Jesus says: "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

What can you do today that will let your life "testify to love"?

Hot but not bothered

This has been a long, hot, humid summer. We’ve had highs in the 90’s and lows in the 70’s for weeks on end without a break. The humidity has been almost unbearable. And, I’ve complained – a lot… In my defense, I’ve also offered up quite a few prayers of thanks for air conditioning. But, generally, I’ve been discontented with the weather this summer and I’ve had more than my share of grumpy days as a result.

And, then, I read this beautiful blog post, and I had to stop and repent. The little bit of discomfort I’ve had to endure this summer is nothing compared to what millions of people around the world experience on a daily basis. It may be hot, but I have shelter and air conditioning and plenty of clean water (and sweet tea!) to drink to keep me hydrated. And, I have an air conditioned car to drive back and forth to my air conditioned job. And, I have a beautiful, healthy family who loves me – even when I’m grumpy!

Most of us have it so good here in America. It’s easy to become complacent and forget about those who are less fortunate. It’s easy to become focused on our desires and wants and the pursuit of MORE. Instead of focusing on what we need, it would do us well to be thankful for what we have – a real, true, heartfelt kind of thankful. Instead of constantly thinking about how we can get the next thing on our list, we would do well to think about what we can give – how we can share our abundance with others around us.

I know so many people, who have so much stuff, but it never seems to be enough and they never seem to be happy. They are never content. In some sense, the “American Dream” has been mutated to become the pursuit of more – more money, more fame, more, more, more, more…. But, the problem is – More is never enough. More will never bring contentment – but a heart of gratitude and a recognition that the source of all of these “good gifts” is your heavenly Father can help you get there.

In Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message), Paul says this: “Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.”

So, today, rather than focusing on how you wish the weather would cool off or how you wish you could take that vacation to the Bahamas or how you wish you could buy that new car, take some time to be thankful for what you have – Take some time to offer up praises and to let God know your concerns. And then, let him “settle you down” into a place of contentment that isn’t dependent upon what you have but, instead, is grounded in Who’s you are…

Worship Wednesday

This is a great song with a great message - definitely one of my current favorites! Enjoy!

The Saving One

Designing What You Can't See

I saw a “tweet” today that caught my attention – it said “How do you design something that you can’t see?” The “tweeter” went on to provide a link to an interview with a blind architect who is able to design buildings without the benefit of his sight. While this article was interesting on its own merit (here’s a link in case you want to watch the interview yourself), for once in my life, I had a more spiritual thought when I read those words. I’d like to think that I’m just really in tune with the Holy Spirit these days, but it probably had to do with the fact that my pastor talked about spiritual sight on Sunday morning.

In a sense, I ask myself that same question almost every day when it comes to my faith walk. How do I design something – build my life, walk out my calling – when I can’t see the beginning from the end? How can I do my part to help build God’s kingdom without a physical blueprint in front of me? How do I know which way to turn when I can’t see the road in front of me?

I hate to admit how many times I have cried out to God, saying “If you would just SHOW me!!!”

I think there are some interesting parallels between this architect’s path of learning to function without his physical sight and our journey to learn how to walk by our spiritual sight.

For example, he points out that, in the absence of sight, you have to learn to rely on all of your other senses. But, when you can see, your mind is constantly being filled with massive amounts of information that help you to navigate. It’s easy to just rely on that information to get you where you need to go. The same is true spiritually. When we can clearly see what needs to be done in the physical, it gives us a certain degree of confidence. We think “I can take it from here” – and off we go on our own. The problem is, we can only see a tiny piece of the picture with our physical eyes. God, on the other hand, can zoom out and see what came before and what’s coming down the road. If we rely on our physical sight rather than trusting in our spiritual sight, there’s a real danger that we’ll “miss the forest for the trees” as the old saying goes.

Our pastor shared a great word on Sunday that included the following statement: “Let your line-of-sight penetrate that which you’ve been taught as boundaries between the spiritual and the physical.” The example of this architect also helped me to unpack that sentence. When he lost his physical sight, he was forced to learn to use his other senses and tools like his cane to help him find his way. They bridged the gap between his physical condition and the reality of living in a world geared towards sighted people. In the same way, the Holy Spirit helps us to bridge that gap between the physical realm where we live and the spiritual realm where God lives and where He can clearly see the path that we need to travel. If we cultivate our relationship with the Holy Spirit – if we take time to be still and learn to hear His voice – we’ll begin to “see” with our spiritual eyes the path the God is laying out before us, and we’ll know which way to go.

The reality is, we have to learn to walk by faith – it doesn’t come naturally. Nature trains us from an early age to rely on what we can see (physically) and to be skeptical of what we can’t see. That’s one of the reasons we don’t like the dark – We can’t see what’s waiting there for us. In the same way, this architect in the interview had to learn to navigate through buildings without his sight. He said that he had learned to listen for the footfalls of other people to help show him the way to go. That statement immediately brought to mind the book of Hebrews and the “great cloud of witnesses.”

Hebrews 11 is all about walking by faith. In fact it even defines faith this way: “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Heb. 11:1) True faith requires spiritual sight. It goes on to say in verse 2 “This is what the ancients were commended for.”

The author then proceeds to review story after story of great men and women who dedicated their lives to serving the Lord. In verse 39, it says that “These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised.” They followed even though they never saw (with their physical eyes) what they were seeking.

If we want to improve our ability to navigate through this life by relying on our spiritual sight rather than our physical sight, we would do well to study the lives of these men and women – to listen to the footfalls of those who have walked the same path, if you will.

I know that I want to be more intentional about sharpening my spiritual sight. I want to be able to hear and know and understand the voice of the Spirit. I love the description of the sheep and the shepherd in John 10:4-5 (CEV): “When (the shepherd) has led out all of his sheep, he walks in front of them, and they follow, because they know his voice. The sheep will not follow strangers. They don’t recognize a stranger’s voice, and they run away.”

Father, help me to be like a sheep who knows your voice and follows it – even in the dark and unfamiliar places. Help me to sharpen my line of sight so that it can penetrate the boundaries between the physical and the spiritual. Thank you for sending the Holy Spirit to help me in the journey. Amen.

Just Do It!

I’m learning some interesting things about myself since I started blogging. For example, it seems that I really gravitate towards word studies. If I’m reading a scripture or listening to a song, there is often one word that will really jump out and grab me and set me off on a deeper study of some topic. Staying true to that theme, there’s a word that’s been bouncing around in my head for the past several days. It’s a word that I haven’t heard very often since I was attending a more traditional church in my young adult years. The word is “unction.”

I used to hear the word a lot – For example, folks would say after a Sunday service, “He really had an unction to preach today.” But, apparently, the word’s a bit archaic, and if you look it up online, you find lots of historic references to sacraments of the early Catholic Church. However, you also find definitions that refer to unction as a synonym for anointing. But, the definition resonated a bit more with me was this: a fervent or earnest quality or manner of speaking. I realized when I read that definition that I tend to associate unction with fervency. If I were to describe it in my own terms, I might say that unction is anointing with some “umph” behind it.

Anointing is important. It imparts power and authority and ability and healing – whatever it is that you need at the moment. But, anointing is a passive concept. It’s something that’s done TO you. It’s something you receive. Unction is about recognizing that you have that anointing and then DOING SOMETHING with it.

A friend recently posted this anonymous quote as her facebook status: “Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.” If that describes you, and if you’ve been seeking the Lord about that thing, then I would say that you have an unction to do that thing. If you have an unction – if you’ve been anointed and gifted to do something and you have a burning desire in your heart to pursue it – then GO FOR IT with everything in you. Even when it’s hard… Even when you wonder why you feel so compelled to do this particular thing at this time in your life… Even when everything around you conspires to make it difficult to pursue your passion…

When God anoints us, He expects us to respond with action, and when we do, amazing things can happen. I love this passage from Isaiah 61 which so beautifully describes the power of God working through His anointed one:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

God has me doing some things right now that are pretty far out of my comfort zone (like writing this blog!). But, I’m recognizing more and more each day that there is an unction – an anointing and an urgency – to keep doing those things. I don’t understand exactly why, but I’m compelled to keep going and I’m trusting that one day the purpose will become clearer. In the meantime, I’ll keep pressing on, and I encourage you to do the same!

Worship Wednesday

This week's song is an oldie but a goodie. I've been singing it over and over for a couple of weeks and just can't seem to get it out of my head. It's one that we used to sing in my church "youth band" many years ago. And, while the musical style may seem a little old-fashioned now, the words are still powerful. Here's a link to Russ Taff's version of the song along with the lyrics - just in case you don't have time to listen :-)

Praise the Lord

When you're up against a struggle
That shatters all your dreams
And your hopes have been cruelly crushed
By Satan's manifested schemes
And you feel the urge within you
To submit to earthly fears
Don't let the faith you're standing in
Seem to disappear

Chorus:

Praise the Lord!
He can work through those who praise Him,
Praise the Lord!
For our God inhabits praise
Praise the Lord!
For the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you
That they drop powerless behind you
When you Praise Him

Now Satan is a liar
And he wants to make us think
That we are paupers
When he knows himself
We're children of the King
So lift up the mighty shield of faith
For the battle must be won
We know that Jesus Christ is risen
So the works already done!

Chorus

The Other Side of Forgiveness

At some point in our lives, we are all going to be in a place of needing to receive forgiveness. And, as hard as it is to extend forgiveness, sometimes it is even harder to receive it – and harder still to forgive ourselves.

It’s important that we learn to humble ourselves and let the healing work of forgiveness have its way in our lives. With forgiveness, we can begin to find restoration. Without forgiveness, we fall into condemnation.

The song “How He Loves” offers these great lyrics:

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way He loves.

The line that always gets me is this: “I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves.” It speaks to me of the fact that we can’t sit around beating ourselves up over things that may have happened in the past. We need to put those things behind us and focus on the things before us. We need to forgive ourselves. We need to understand that God’s love for us gives us permission to do that.

Romans 7:21 – 8:24 talks about this same concept. Paul here is complaining that, even though he wants to do the right thing, for some reason, he can’t stop doing wrong. There’s a battle between good and evil going on inside of him, and sometimes evil wins out. But, he goes on to say in 8:1 that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. It doesn’t matter how many times we mess up – He’s always there to forgive us, and He never points a finger at us to condemn us. We need to learn how to offer ourselves that same grace.

Condemnation will drag you down. It will steal your joy. It will cause you to withdraw from the ones who love you. And, it will never bring restoration.

I’ll end with more wisdom from Paul. In Philippians 3, Paul says “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize…” What great words to live by! I don’t know about you, but I’m going to focus on living life to the fullest today rather than letting the past drag me down.