I can't tolerate offensiveness...

For the most part, I try not to use this blog as a soapbox.  However, this post might be the exception because I’m getting pretty frustrated with some of the ideals that are becoming the social norms in our culture. 

For the life of me, I can’t understand why tolerance has become the ideal that is to be cherished above everything else.  I mean, think about it - tolerance isn’t necessarily a positive thing.  I tolerate wearing pantyhose and high heels in the summer time because I have to for my job in certain situations.  But, I hate it.  As soon as I have the opportunity, I take them off.  I don’t want to take the time to figure out how to enjoy wearing them on a regular basis – I just deal with them when I have to and then run as far away from them as I can until they come back to torment me again.  

The same thing is true of people.  If I choose to tolerate you, I’m probably not offering to accept you or engage in a deeper dialog with you.   I’m saying that I’ll let you be because I have to, but I’ll run away from you again as soon as I get the chance.  Tolerance is different from acceptance, no matter what the pundits try to tell you.

And, it frustrates me to no end that every single thing that we say or do has to be put under a microscope to insure that it doesn’t offend anyone.  The latest example of this is the VW Super Bowl commercial.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can read the story here:

Volkswagen Super Bowl Ad Called Racist

The crux of the issue is that the commercial has actors using a fake Jamaican accent, and it is therefore being attacked for being racist.  I’m sorry, but I don’t think that VW has any underlying racist agenda.  Their only agenda for spending this much money on advertising is selling more VWs.  And, you can’t tell me that you’ve never bounced around the house singing “Don’t worry, be happy!” in a fake Jamaican accent.  Were you doing it to be racist?  No! You were doing it because it invoked happy thoughts - which is exactly what VW was trying to do!

So here’s my real question:  Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned respect?

And before you call me intolerant and get offended, let me tell you a little story.  I am a Christian.  My faith in God is at the core of who I am.  It shapes my worldview.  It influences the way that interact with people.  It informs my choices.  So, it might surprise you to know that one of my very best friends (let’s call him Ray) when I was in graduate school was an atheist.  In fact, Ray was literally a card-carrying member of the Secular Humanist Society of America (I saw the card).  What’s more, Ray was a vegan (way before it was cool) and a hard core animal rights activist.  He was the kind of person who would walk by my desk where I was munching on M&Ms and minding my own business and would stop to remind me that innocent cows were tortured to produce the milk that went into making my M&Ms.

But, Ray and I became the best of friends precisely because we recognized our differing viewpoints and RESPECTED each other’s right to hold those views.  We engaged in conversation – and occasionally in heated debates – and through it all we continued to be friends in spite of our disagreements.  Ray introduced me to all sorts of little Indian and Middle Eastern restaurants.  And, I took on the challenge of coming up with just the right ingredients to create some yummy vegan hushpuppies for him to try.

I can’t imagine how many cool things I would have missed out on if I had chosen to go down the path of tolerance instead of respect.  Tolerance would have put up a wall between me and Ray.  Mutual respect drew us into a friendship.  My experience in graduate school would not have been as rich if Ray had chosen to be offended when I talked to him about my faith in God.  Instead, mutual respect allowed us to enter into deeper dialogs about faith and the cultural issues of the day.

I think that we as a culture have set the bar too low when we strive for tolerance above all and when we are forced to filter everything we say to insure that no one is offended.  Instead, I think that we should aim for respect -- instead of looking for a hidden agenda behind every word that is spoken, we should be very slow to take offense.

Imagine how different our world would be if people would live by the following two principles:

“Do to others as you would like them to do to you.” – Luke 6:31

“Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness (offense) grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” – Hebrews 12:15

If you’ve read this far, thank you for tolerating my rant, and please forgive me if I’ve offended you…

Perspective

Sometimes my priorities get out of line.  I lose focus on what’s important as I endeavor to deal with the task at hand.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I was in a meeting with one of my mentors at work getting some much needed advice on how to sort out a serious personnel issue.  We were deep into our conversation when my phone rang.  It was my daughter.

I usually ignore my phone when I’m in a meeting – unless it’s one of my kids or their school.  So, I asked if I could take the call quickly, and he said of course.  I finished the conversation with my daughter and turned back to my colleague.  Not five minutes later, she called again.  I started to ignore it, but at the urging of my colleague, I went ahead and answered again.  When I was done, he said , “That’s the most important thing.  Your kids need you, so don’t ever hesitate to take that call.”  And, then he said, “What I wouldn’t give to be interrupted by a phone call from my son just one more time…”

You see, his 19 year old son was killed in a climbing accident about 6 months ago.  He knows how important it is to devote ourselves to the ones we love – to cherish every moment – every interruption.  Because, one day – maybe sooner than we imagine – they’ll be gone.  And, then it will be too late.  He went on to tell me the story of the last time he saw his son, and I had to choke back the tears as we finished up our meeting.

As I was driving home yesterday, I was thinking about how many times I tell my kids to just wait a minute – I’ll pay attention to them when I finish what I’m doing.  How many times do I react with frustration instead of love when they interrupt my over-scheduled, incredibly busy day?  What message is that sending to them?  Do they know how important they are to me?  Do they know how much I love them?  I tell them with my words, but I realized yesterday that I need to do a better job of showing them with my actions and with the way that I spend my time.

I think that we could all stand to adjust our perspective – to learn to cherish every interruption – to savor every moment – to go out of our way to make time to spend with the ones that we love.  Because, one day, we’ll look back and long for the day when little hands were pulling on our aprons or phone calls from our kids were interrupting our meetings…

“Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.  And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.” – Colossians 3:14-15

Lessons from Frodo: Perseverance and Partnership

You would never guess it to look at her, but my sweet little 10 year old daughter is a huge Lord of the Rings fan.  She couldn’t wait for the Hobbit movie to be released last month, and on opening day, dressed in her cute pink coat and scarf and her favorite kitty-cat shirt, she waltzed into the movie theater and reveled at the sight of Gandalf, Bilbo, and the gang beating up on orcs and goblins and all other manner of foul creatures.  Her one request over Christmas vacation was to watch ALL of the Lord of the Rings movies again.  And, she and her dad are hard core about the whole thing – They only watch the extended special edition versions which are significantly longer than the originals.

I, on the other hand, am not so fond of the Tolkien trilogy.  I typically make it through about the first third of the movie, then fall asleep, and then wake up again right at the end.  Such was the case last night as we finished up Return of the King.  I woke up just in time to see Frodo struggling up the mountain with Sam cheering him on and encouraging him to destroy the ring.  And, while I know that there are lots of lessons to be learned from these fables, I was really struck by a couple of things as I watched Frodo and Sam sit there on the big rock and watch the world crashing in around them.

The first was Frodo’s perseverance.  He was determined to keep going when most people would have given up or given in.  He was focused on the task that had been given to him.  In this day and age that we live in, we have so many distractions and so many options that it’s easy to just quit what you’re doing and take a different direction.  It’s hard to persevere.  It’s much easier to bounce from one thing to another, never really committing to one particular path. 

You see it with kids who start working on homework only to receive a text message which then leads them to check facebook which reminds them that they wanted to post a photo to instagram which leads to another friend texting them about the photo that they just posted – and three hours later, while they’ve had lots of fun, they still haven’t finished their homework (not that this has ever happened in my house, of course…).

You see it on resumes when interviewing prospects for a job.  On most resumes that I see, the average length of time a person has spent at a single job is 2 or 3 years.  The tendency is to jump from job to job = always looking for something that is more exciting or something that offers more money.  And, while change can be good, there’s something to be said for sticking with the same job for 20-plus years like my parents did back in the day… 

However, the other thing that stands out is that Frodo would never have made it without Sam.  It’s much easier to keep going when you have a friend that will stand beside you and encourage you and even carry you when the going gets tough.  We all need friends who will catch our vision and pursue it right along with us – as if it were their very own.  As Americans, we tend to have a lone-ranger, do-it-myself mentality.  But, when the going gets tough, even the Lone Ranger needs Tonto.  If we can learn how to share our hopes and dreams and burdens and trials with others, we’ll probably experience a lot more success – and we’ll find more joy in the journey as well…

So just remember… There’s not a simple formula for achieving victory, but Frodo has shown us that perseverance and partnership will go a long way towards helping you to get there.

Exodus 17:11-13:  “As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning.  When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.  So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.”

My New Year's Confession

Disclaimer:  It's been a long time since I've had the time or inspiration to write, and I hesitated to even publish this little note... But, I needed to write it down as a marker that I can return to as I push into 2013... And, maybe it will speak to others as well...

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I usually look forward to the start of each New Year.  It’s the time to put the old behind you – to forget the past, if you will – and focus on the days ahead.  It’s a time to rekindle your hopes and dreams.  But, this year is different.  I’m just not ready for the New Year - because, somewhere along the way last year, I lost my hope.  And, without hope, the New Year looks kind of dark and scary.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past several days trying to figure out just where – or why – I lost it.  I know that I have to find it again.  Without it, I can’t even begin to think about launching into 2013.  I can’t look deep into my heart and confront the dreams that are buried there because without hope, they just look impossible.

Hope has been defined as “confident expectation.”  And, as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve realized that I’ve drifted away from the source of my confidence – Jesus.  I’ve been so busy doing things – most of them good things – that I’ve neglected to nurture my relationship with Him.  The scripture that just keeps coming to mind over and over again is Revelation 2:2-5:  “I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false.  You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.  Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.”

Ouch…  Those are not the words that I wanted to hear, yet I know that they describe me.  

So, there you have it – my New Year’s confession – which leads me to my New Year’s resolution.  I resolve to fall back in love with Jesus this year.  It will take time – which is a precious commodity – but it breaks my heart to know that I am breaking the heart of my Savior.  He gave everything for me – He is worthy of my time – He deserves nothing less than my adoration.  He is the source of my hope and the giver of dreams.  And, He is the only One who can make the “new year” new again…

Why I'm not superwoman

Here is something that I’ve learned about myself – I am NOT superwoman.  I cannot “bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man” (remember that commercial? )…  I am human, and I cannot do it all.  I WISH I could do it all.  I THOUGHT (when I was younger and more naïve) that I could do it all.  But, the reality is, I can’t.

So, I’m writing this as a public service announcement to all of the younger women out there who are trying to nurture a career and a husband and a family and feel like a failure because they can’t seem to figure out how to manage three full-time jobs and still maintain their sanity.

When I got married, I fully expected to give up my career and stay home with my children when they came along.  However, life didn’t unfold quite that way.  Instead, I found myself with a demanding full-time job, a wonderful husband and two beautiful children who needed to be loved and fed and clothed, a big, beautiful house that needed to be cleaned and cared for – you get the idea.  And, I expected myself to be the perfect employee / mom / wife.  I set the bar high.

I expected to be able to keep my house like Martha Stewart, cook (every night, from scratch) like Betty Crocker, manage my family like June Cleaver, and still be a lovely, smiling wife like Carol Brady.  Needless to say, the toys scattered around the house and the clutter on the counter and the thin layer of dust that just keeps coming back would not make Martha proud.  I sometimes order takeout or (gasp) feed my family Ramen noodles and hot dogs (sorry Betty!)  I occasionally yell at my children (June would frown).  And, I often fall asleep at 10:00pm when my husband wants me to snuggle up and watch a sci-fi movie with him (sorry Carol!)  And, if that wasn’t enough, from 9:00 – 5:00 I was going to be the most dedicated, focused employee at the company.  Reality:  While I try to give 100% when I’m at work, the truth is that I’m often tired or distracted, and I lose focus on what I’m trying to accomplish.

So, what’s the point? 

I’ve learned that it’s okay not to be superwoman.  I’ve learned that I am pretty good at multitasking (which comes in handy when you’re trying to run a conference call while sitting in carpool line without letting the teachers see that you’re on the phone).  I’ve learned that sometimes, certain things have to take a backseat when other things need to be a priority, and that’s ok.  I’ve learned that a dirty house isn’t necessarily a sign of laziness.  Instead, it’s the result of putting people before Mr. Clean (again, sorry Martha!)  I’ve learned that my family loves me anyway – even when I’m grumpy.  And, I’ve learned that God looks on the heart, and He knows my every thought (even the bad ones), and He sees me when I cry because I can’t seem to live up to the standards that I’ve set for myself – and He reaches down with His arms of love and carries me when I can’t go another step on my own.  And, I’m SO okay with that.

So, to all of you dear sisters out there who refuse to read Proverbs 31 because you just can’t bear the thought of comparing yourself to “her” – please hear me when I say that your worth is not based on the cleanliness of your house or the behavior of your children or the success of your career.  The basis for  your worth is found in this:

“For you (God) created my inmost being;  you (God) knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you (God) because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  Your works (God) are wonderful (including me), I know that full well.” (Psalm139:13-14)

And, that is all you really need to know.

When you're faced with "why?"

I hate to watch the evening news.  If I didn’t want to see the local weather forecast, I would probably never turn it on.  Why, you might ask?  Because of all the bad news.  Every time I turn on the tv, it seems like there is a report about someone being hurt or killed.  There is news of economic upheaval that is leaving people poor and hungry and homeless.  There is news of war and natural disaster.  None of it is good.  It leaves me feeling mad, sad, and helpless.   And, if I’m not careful, it leaves me asking, “Why?”

The shooting that just took place in Colorado is a prime example.  Why would someone do that?  Why would they shoot innocent people who were just trying to enjoy a fun evening out at the movies? 

Or, what about this:  The news last week included a story about a college sophomore who was killed in a climbing accident at Hanging Rock State Park.  I work with this young man’s father (call him J).  I know how fiercely J loved his son.  I happened to be talking with him a few months ago at the moment that he received a text saying that his son had gotten a scholarship to UNC, and I saw the pride beaming on his face.  To say that J is devastated doesn’t even begin to describe it.  This video gives you a glimpse of the vibrant life that was ended much too soon.  My heart is breaking for J and his family.

Again, I’m tempted to ask why.  Why did someone so young and with so much potential have to die a tragic death?  Why did it happen?  How are we supposed to respond in the face of so much pain and heartache?

And, then comes the really tough question:  Does all of this change my belief in a good and loving and sovereign God?  And, just as quickly, the answer comes:  No!  It can’t.  I have experienced the goodness of the Lord, and I believe the scriptures that tell me that He never changes.  But, I also know that there are forces of evil at work in our world. 

And, I firmly believe that there are some things that we just can’t understand this side of heaven.  They are the mysteries of life, if you will, that are beyond our human ability to comprehend.  Trying to understand them with our finite minds will only serve to frustrate us and will breed more confusion instead of bringing the clarity that we desire.  Sometimes, it’s better to just accept the fact that we’ll never really know the reason – to make the decision to trust and move on rather than to obsess over finding the answer.  My worship pastor stated it so eloquently in his blog when he said, “The mystery might protect us.”

So, in the absence of an explanation – without a definitive answer to the question “why do bad things happen to good people” – how do we respond when tragedy strikes?  What do we say?  What do we do?

As I’ve pondered those questions over the past several days, I believe that I found an answer:  “Rejoice with those who rejoice; and mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15)  This is what Jesus did.  When He learned that His friend Lazarus had died, Jesus wept (John 11).  He shared in the grief that Mary and Martha were experiencing.

It is not our responsibility to provide an answer or even to offer advice.  Instead, we are to love as Jesus loved.  We are to come alongside and share in the grief – to weep and to hug and to laugh and to remember – to share in the suffering.  And, we are also to offer hope – hope in the One who holds all of our tomorrows – hope in the One who will carry us through the dark times and bring us out stronger on the other side.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all of our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” – 2 Corinithians 1:3-4

Floating or Flailing?

Here is a fact that probably won’t come as a surprise to most of you:  Sometimes I don’t have all of the answers.  There was a point in time when that caused me a lot of anxiety.  But, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that it’s ok not to have all of the answers.  In fact, it’s ok if sometimes I have more questions than answers.  There are some things that we just don’t know or understand, and we have to learn to keep on keeping on even in the shadow of that uncertainty.

The challenge is that uncertainty often breeds fear and doubt which can cause us to respond in ways that are less than desirable.  We can become defensive and protective – trying frantically to fix things and searching desperately to find that definitive answer.

What I’m learning right now is that living with uncertainty is the training ground that is necessary for faith and trust to become firmly established in our lives.  Just as our physical bodies only grow stronger if we exercise them, faith and trust will only grow stronger if we exercise them as well.

Peter put it like this:  “So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” – I Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)

I’ve always thought of the trials mentioned here as being terrible persecution or major life crises.  But, I’m coming to understand that the everyday uncertainties of life – the discouragement that comes, the dreams that seem just out of reach, the plans that aren’t quite coming together the way that you had expected, the relationship struggles that just aren’t getting better – these are the trials of life, the uncertainties of our daily existence, that give us the opportunity to exercise our faith and to choose to trust and act on what we believe and not just on what we see.  As much as we would like to escape these trials, we need them in order to grow stronger. 

What I’m learning right now is that it is only as we exercise our faith and start to trust that we can truly begin to learn to rest.  The image that I see is of a rough and churning ocean with no land in sight.  When faced with that situation, our immediate response is to try to escape.  We flail about and wear ourselves out, and if we’re not careful, we’ll drown without ever reaching the shore.  Faith recognizes and believes that it is possible to float and that there are currents that will eventually carry us back to land.  Trust chooses to take action on that faith – to stop flailing and to stretch out on the water and just float.  At that point, you can finally rest – relaxing on the water and watching in hopeful expectation as you wait to see the land appear over the horizon.

I wish that I could say that I am just floating through my days right now, but more often than not, I look around at the raging ocean and start to flail.  However, little by little, I’m learning to trust.  I’m exercising my faith, and those “faith muscles” are growing stronger.  I’m having more days filled with rest and fewer days that leave me wrung out and exhausted after fighting with the trials that just seem to keep coming. 

I’m learning to confidently put my faith in God – to trust him with all of my uncertainty and all of my questions – because “He who promised is faithful” (Hebrews 10:23) – because He has all of the answers even when I don’t.