Loneliness and Community

Loneliness – It’s a strange emotion. Some people equate loneliness with being alone, but I sometimes feel the loneliest when I’m in a crowd. Some people think that loneliness is a terrible thing, but I believe that occasionally feeling lonely can be a good thing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about loneliness this week. My husband was away for an extended trip out of the country with very limited ability to communicate with us here at home. When he’s away on these trips, I usually experience a range of emotions. Sometimes I just feel alone. When I’m the only one here to take responsibility for household issues and childcare issues, it can be hard – and without him, I feel alone, like I’ve been left to fend for myself. I have an incredible network of friends and family who are here to help me, but sometimes, I just can’t shake that feeling of being left alone to deal with it all.

This trip was a little different for me. Things ran fairly smoothly on the homefront (which isn’t always the case). I didn’t feel so alone. However, this time, I did feel profoundly lonely the whole time he was gone. I just couldn’t escape the loneliness. I was missing that connection that I have with him that has come from years of sharing all of the ups and downs of life together.

In my case, I was lonely – and I knew why. And, I knew that when my husband came home, much of my loneliness would go away. In my case, loneliness wasn’t such a bad thing. It reminded me how much I love my husband and how important that relationship is to me.

But, sometimes loneliness is symptomatic of a bigger problem. Sometimes loneliness can be overwhelming – and it can lead to sadness and depression and a host of other issues. And, based on some of the things that I’ve seen and heard recently, loneliness is becoming something of an epidemic in our society. Our youth pastor made a great observation on his blog this week after spending the weekend at camp with our teens. He said, “I was amazed to see how this generation that is so connected (via mobile phones, social media, etc) can also be so lonely.” That is such a true statement! In fact, I believe that Facebook and Twitter can actually contribute to a feeling of loneliness since they provide the illusion of friendship and connectedness without the accompanying emotional connection that is also needed and desired.

The truth of the matter is that we were created for fellowship. Adam was created to fellowship with God in the garden. But, after surveying the situation, God also created Eve because He said that it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). There is a place deep within each of us that desires relationship – that desires to be understood and accepted just the way we are. I think that this is one of the reasons why community is so vital to us as believers. It’s one of the reasons that the church – in spite of all of its problems – is so important. It’s one of the reasons why we need to love our church and strive to be a church that truly loves others.

If I hear someone at church saying that they don’t feel “plugged in” or don’t feel like they’re really “a part” of the community, I’m the first one to encourage them to take a little action and find some opportunities to get involved. However, as the church, I think that we also have a responsibility to make sure that we don’t leave people sitting in the shadows just outside the realm of true fellowship. You never know what’s going on in someone’s heart or their life. That cheery exterior could be hiding a deep and profound loneliness that can only be soothed by meaningful relationships.

There is a verse in Psalms that I love, and I’ve always thought of it in the context of adoption. But, I think that it can also be applied to the church. It says: “God sets the lonely in families.” (Psalm 68:6a) Imagine what a difference we - as the church - could make if we really took that verse to heart…

“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” – Hebrews 10:25

Follow

“Where you go, we will follow… Where you go, we will follow…” I was happily singing those words at the top of my lungs right along with the David Crowder Band, when I distinctly heard the Holy Spirit whisper, “Really?” I stopped singing, and my response was, “Of course – I want to do Your will – I want to follow You.” I heard the voice again: “Really? Will you REALLY follow me? Wherever I lead? Without question?” I wasn’t so quick to answer this time, because if I’m honest with myself, I know that my first answer wasn’t entirely true. My intention – my desire – has always been to follow. But, I’m not so sure that I’ve lived up to that goal.

Over the course of my life, I’ve had lots of dreams and plans. And, I’ve prayed about those plans, and I’ve tried to hear God’s voice. But, so often, as I’ve started down a particular path, I’ve run ahead and then stopped only to say to God, “Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. I’ve got this now.” And, I’ve taken off without even looking back.

I don’t think that I’ve veered too far away from God’s plan, but if I’m truthful, I’m not sure how quickly I would adjust my course if God suddenly told me that I needed to make a sharp right turn.

The thing is, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to really question the value of what I’m doing with my life. There was a point when I thought I had all the time in the world. But now, when I look at my life, I’m starting to think more about my legacy than what lies ahead of me. I’ve got a wonderful husband, beautiful children, and an all around great life. But, what impact have I had on my world? How many people have I influenced for the Kingdom of God? And, what am I really willing to sacrifice in order to follow wherever God leads?

Those are the questions that haunt me when I stop long enough to listen…

To be content...

Contentment – It sometimes feels like an elusive dream for me. It’s something I long for but seldom experience. But, when it does happen, it’s the most awesome thing in the world. I was out of town on business for the past several days, and it was quite a trip. I got to fly on the corporate jet. I got to rub elbows with some pretty important and influential people. I got to stay at one of the nation’s premier ski resorts. Some would look at that experience and say, “Wow! You’ve got it made – You’re living the American dream!” And, to some extent, I guess that’s true. But, did I find contentment in those things? Not at all. In fact, I was pretty stressed for most of the trip.

However, tonight I’m back home and I’m sitting quietly on my couch. I can hear one daughter playing music in the office. I can hear laughter coming from the bonus room where my husband and my other daughter are playing Wii with our friend Ian. I can smell warm, chocolate-y goodness coming from the cookies that are baking in the oven. And, I am content. There is a peaceful feeling that has settled in around me, and I would love nothing more than to stay here just basking in it forever.

But, tomorrow morning, the alarm clock will ring at 5:30am. I’ll hit the ground running, and the next thing I know, this contented feeling will have vanished like vapor in the wind. But, for now, I’m going to soak in all of this sweet contentment. I’m going to burn it into my memory. Just like the children of Israel would build altars to remind them of God’s goodness at certain times in their history, I’m going to let this time serve as an altar in my mind to help me find that place of contentment even when life is coming at me fast and furious.

Thank you, Lord, for times of refreshing, for sweet contentment, and for the peace that can only be found in You...

Worship Wednesday

I've listened to this song over and over during the past several days, and I've been overwhelmed by the realization of how much God loves me. I haven't done anything to deserve that love. I'm not worthy of it. But, the amazing thing is that this love is a "no strings attached" kind of love. It's freely given, asking nothing in return. We just need to reach out and receive it.

Jesus sacrificed everything to show His love for me. What can I do today to show my love for Him?

A Love Story for Valentine's Day

It’s Valentine’s Day, so I thought that I’d deviate from my usual format and share a little bit about how I came to meet and marry my wonderful husband. I’m sure that everyone says this, but I think that we have quite an interesting story. And, for those of you who find yourself wondering if you’ll ever find “the one,” I hope that our story will offer you some encouragement.

Rewind several years to the summer of 1984. I was 17 years old and heading off to college, and I had everything planned out. I was going to finish college, get married, and be done having children by the time I was 30 years old. However, as time passed, I watched that dream slowly slipping away – at least the part about getting married and having kids. By the time I finished graduate school, I had decided that maybe it was time to “stop looking” and just get on with my life and my career. However, in spite of that decision and the fact that I usually avoided singles conferences like the plague, I decided – at the strong urging of one of my friends – to check out a singles event that his church was sponsoring.

I didn’t meet the man of my dreams at the conference, but I did make some great connections that ultimately led me to him a few years later. As a result of the conference, I started attending a small church that had recently been planted in my town. Every Wednesday night, a small group of us would meet to pray for the church and for our community – and for a man named Charles who had recently moved to China to teach English. We faithfully prayed for him every week.

As we prayed going into the new year of 1995, my pastor had a word for me that this was going to be my year – the year that the things I had dreamed of would come to pass. He was right! I had always dreamed of going to the Grand Canyon and got that opportunity. I had always dreamed of going on a mission trip and I got to do that as well. I had dreamed of working for a particular company in the area and ended up getting a job there. Of course, in the back of my mind, I also wondered if this would be the year when I would finally meet my husband-to-be.

During the summer of 1995, the mysterious Charles from China came home for a few weeks of R&R before heading back there for a new job. We didn’t spend much time together, but on the weekend before he left, all of the singles went out to lunch and to see the movie Apollo 13. While we were talking, we got onto the subject of dating and he expressed many of the same opinions that I held. That sparked my interest, and for the rest of the afternoon, I kept having these moments where I thought that he just might be the one.

A few weeks after he left, I was talking with one of my good friends (who also happened to be the pastor’s sister-in-law), and I mentioned that the only guy I had been interested in for a long time had just gotten on a plane for China. What a bummer! Then, she told me that Charles had mentioned to the pastor that he was interested in me! So, the pastor gave me Charles’ e-mail address and suggested that I should write to him in China to encourage him while he was away from home.

I took the pastor’s advice, and for about 6 months, Charles and I e-mailed each other regularly, and we got to know each other pretty well. At the end of the year, he decided to come back home because his mom was in poor health and he wanted to be closer to her. I didn’t find out until years later that he had told his brother when he arrived home that he had also come back because he had met the girl that he was going to marry!

After he came home, our friendship grew, but he didn’t want to ask me out on an official date until he had found a new job and gotten settled into his own place. Finally, in April of 1996, he asked me out and I said yes. Things were going great for a while. However, later that year, we attended a missions convention together, and things almost fell apart. Charles was busy talking to lots of old friends and making lots of new ones. I felt like he was ignoring me, and he felt like I was being emotionally immature. We weren’t quite sure what was happening, but it definitely pushed us apart for a while. Then, we discovered the book The Five Love Languages. It turns out that my love language is quality time. Charles felt like we were having quality time together as long as we were both in the same place at the same time – even if we were doing completely separate things, and that didn’t work for me. Once we discovered what our love languages were, it really helped us to put some things into perspective, and our relationship took off again.

I still had one more hurdle to clear before Charles would be ready to ask me to be his wife. You see, he had never planned to get married. He frequently travels to 3rd world countries to share the good news with people who haven’t had the chance to hear, and he felt like having a wife and family might hinder him in those endeavors. So, I had to pass a test (although I didn’t realize it at the time) to show him that I could make it under less than ideal conditions. We travelled to Hong Kong in the summer of 1997, and we stayed in some pretty basic places – no hot water, no western toilets, sporadic electricity. We stood out in the 100 degree heat and 99 percent humidity for hours on end and then had to walk for blocks in order to catch the only bus that could take us back to the youth hostel where we were staying. I think my ability to cope with all of the crazy things that happened on that trip finally convinced him that I could fit into his plans.

As we approached Christmas (1997), Charles asked me if I would go with him to the Christmas Eve service at Duke Chapel. My Christmas tradition was to spend Christmas Eve with my family, so I put up a lot of resistance. Finally, we found a compromise and decided to go to the early service at Duke Chapel. At the end of the service, while the organist was playing some hideous music (we both distinctly remember that point!), Charles pulled out a beautifully wrapped box and handed it to me. Ever the clueless one, I opened it and saw a music box, and politely thanked him for the lovely gift. He told me to open it, and to my amazement, there was a beautiful sapphire and diamond engagement ring inside! He asked me to marry him, and of course, I said yes. I also told him that if he had given me some indication that he was going to propose, then I wouldn’t have put up such a fight about going to the Christmas Eve service with him!

Fast forward to November of 1998 – the Saturday after Thanksgiving. UNC and NCSU were playing football that afternoon – which threatened to throw a monkey wrench into all of my plans. However, the game was early afternoon, and the Tarheels won, so Charles was in a great mood and our wedding went on as planned later that evening. We’ve been married now for 12 and a half wonderful years and we’ve been blessed with two beautiful daughters. I am so blessed to be able to share my life with the man that I adore – who also happens to be my very best friend.

So, I didn’t achieve my goal of being married before I was thirty – and I was of “advanced maternal age” when I finally had my children – but I wouldn’t change a thing because I’ve found my happily ever after.

“Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.” – Song of Solomon 8:7

Is it really meaningless?

I’ve been drawn to the book of Ecclesiastes this week, and after reading it through a couple of times, I’ve decided that wise old King Solomon was a bit of a downer! Consider:

“’Meaningless! Meaningless!’ says the Teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.’” – Ecclesiastes 1:2

Or how about this:

“All things are wearisome, more than one can say.” – Ecclesiastes 1:8

And that’s just from the first chapter! There’s definitely more of the same throughout the rest of the book. To be fair, there are some encouraging thoughts as well. However, as I think I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been in a bit of a funk this week, so it didn’t take much for me to get right in there with Solomon. “All things are wearisome” pretty much sums up my outlook from the last few days.

But, in spite of the slightly depressing tone of the book, I can’t seem to get enough of it. There’s some insight buried in there for me, and I just haven’t been able to tease it all out yet. I’m searching for that nugget of wisdom that will help me find the balance between my vocation and my calling while still having time to enjoy my life and my family.

I believe that some of that wisdom is buried in Ecclesiastes because Solomon also says things like: “(God) has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil – this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere Him.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11-14

That thought reminds me of Paul’s statement in Philippians that he had learned to be content whatever the circumstances - or Timothy’s statement that godliness with contentment is great gain.

Contentment – satisfaction – those are not necessarily words that I would use to describe the vocational aspects of my life right now. Sigh… So, I’m hoping that Solomon can help me in my quest to find satisfaction when “all things are wearisome” and “everything is meaningless…”

If you have any wisdom to offer along these lines, I’d love for you to share it with me as well!

Worship Wednesday

I have to confess that I've been in a bit of a funk for the past few days, and I just can't seem to shake it off. But, this song helps to remind me that no matter how funky I'm feeling, Jesus is always there for me...